There’s a job application sitting on my kitchen counter. It’s been there for a few days now. It’s a job I wanted to apply for a while ago, but at the time it wasn’t the best choice for my family. It’s a small, local business that is very involved in the community. Great opportunity to advance and learn skills that will be helpful in and out of work. It would most likely give me more free time to spend with my entire family, instead of just being home during the day with the baby. It’s a job I’ve actually fantasized about having. Other than being able to be a full time SAHD; it’s pretty much perfect in almost every way.
The job I have now is not perfect, but it’s been a blessing. I make more money than I expected I would be after only a year. My manager has been great at working with my schedule so we don’t have to find child care for the baby. I don’t hate the work. But I’m rarely home with my whole family, and hardly see my wife other than to say good morning or goodnight.
Seems like a nobrainer, right? So why is it that when I even think about it I get scared? I mean, real anxiety just looking at the application.
My adult life was anything but consistent. Moving from place to place and job to job (the rare times I actually had one); never being quite sure where I would end up next. But now; I’m married to an amazing woman who works very hard to provide for our family, I have two great step-kids, I have rebuilt a relationship with my daughter, and I’ve got a wonderful baby boy. We have a house, two cars that get us where we need to go, and a cat. Finally, at 33 years old, I have the stability that will let me take risks and find out what I truly want to do with my life.
But I’m afraid, terrified really.
Thinking about it rationally, it seems easy. I fill out the app, turn it in. If I don’t get the job, that’s that, I stay where I am for now. If I get the job, it’s a great opportunity I should be grateful for. Too bad I don’t always see things that way. If I don’t get the job, it will be more than just a disappointment. I’ll question what I’m good enough for. I’ll get frustrated with the job I’m at now. So getting the job would be awesome, right? But what if I find out I’m not good at it? What if the hours aren’t any better, or the money isn’t enough? What if this? What if that?
For so long I’ve been so focused on just getting by day to day I don’t really know what it means to make long term plans. We got married, bought a house, had a baby; those plans were scary, but easy to make. I was sure of the things I wanted. But when it comes to planning, or making changes, for long-term goals that I don’t exactly know the outcome for; I get incredible nervous and anxious. I don’t like not knowing how things will turn out and I end up getting stuck on situations when I know I could be doing more.
But I’m tired of being stuck. I’m tired of that nagging feeling constantly in the back of my mind that I’m supposed to be doing more; that’s one of the reasons I started this blog. I’m going to take more chances. Even something as small as filling out an application can have big consequences, and I’m ready to face the unknown.